It may seem intuitive to many of us that open sexual communication between partners will lead to a better sex life. Recent studies into relationship satisfaction, however, are helping to prove that amongst couples, open communication about sex is also correlated with general relationship satisfaction. Couples who are honest about their sexual desires, problems and experiences tend to have better relationships.
In a 2010 study examining 116 heterosexual couples that had been together for three months or longer, researchers demonstrated that open sexual communication was correlated with both sexual and overall relationship satisfaction. The study’s authors hypothesized that more sexual communication leads to better sex, which improves overall relationship satisfaction (makes sense to me). Additionally, they postulated that perhaps sexual communication leads to an increase in trust and strengthens the relationship that way. Sexual issues can sometimes be challenging to talk about, so getting honest with a partner can lead to increased intimacy.
In a more recent, and far more wide-reaching study, almost 9,000 Australians were administered a survey into their relationship and sexual satisfaction. Turns out that only 46% of men and 58% of women were satisfied with the amount of sex they were having within their (heterosexual) relationships. Men mostly wanted to have more sex, while two-thirds of women wanted more and one-third wanted less. This discrepancy between desired sex and actual sex affected the overall relationship satisfaction more for women than for men, with one-quarter of women who were unsatisfied with the amount of sex they were having reporting being unsatisfied by the relationship itself. Men, despite being unsatisfied with frequency of sex, generally reported higher relationship satisfaction.
Though this last study wasn’t explicitly examining the role of sexual communication within relationships, I think it nonetheless presents further evidence of the importance of open sexual communication within the context of a relationship. I would have been interested to see how satisfied these Australians are with the amount of sexual communication in their relationships in addition to the amount of sex, but alas. Nobody asked me.
It seems to me that oftentimes sex can be undervalued as a contributor to relationship satisfaction. We’re supposed to fall in love with someone for their wit and that cute face they make when they play with our cousin’s daughter, and then the great sex will simply follow. I’m happy that these studies are shining light on the fact that you can love someone as much as you want and it doesn’t guarantee a satisfying sex life. Communication is key, and just because you’re with a partner that you’ve loved for years doesn’t mean that you can get away without it.
It can be awkward to have a conversation about sex with a hookup, but I think in a lot of cases it can be even more awkward to have that same conversation with a long-term partner. At a certain point a level of sexual compatibility becomes assumed and bringing up areas of dissatisfaction can be a massive ego blow. So how, if you’re feeling unhappy with your sex life with a long-term partner, can you bring it up without hurting feelings?
My suggestion? Like any good scientist, my suggestion is research. If you want to open the lines for sexual communication, try reading some sex-positive material (suggestions off the top of my head: The Guide to Getting it On, Down and Dirty Sex Secrets or Supersex, though these are just the tip of the proverbial sex-education iceberg). These books have ideas for new and interesting sexcapades to try, and if you approach sexual communication with a book in hand it seems less like attacking and more like trying to supplement your current sex life. It’s so much easier to say, “Wow I read this, and it would be so fun to try it tonight!” instead of, “I’m not enjoying having sex with you that much anymore.” And when it comes to sexual communication, sometimes the best thing you can do is just get started. Once you break that first awkward wall, it can be easier to keep right on talking into issues of sex frequency, positions, discomfort and everything else.
The take away message is simply to remember that having doubts about a relationship because you’re unhappy with the sex is completely normal. Sexual issues are extremely important. Sex is a substantial part of a romantic relationship, not merely a fun side effect of being in love. When sexual issues aren’t treated with the gravity they deserve, people can wind up stuck being dissatisfied in their relationships. And that is most definitely not cool.
Poor old Gary.
It's Not That Weird 